Happy

I know another person cannot make you happy
Whether you are happy or sad, that's in your own control.
But sometimes, I think to myself:
"It's him. He makes me happy."
I should choose a better word.

Content.
Hopeful.
Satisfied.

Yes, all those.

And still, happy.

You make me happy.

A Confusing Drift

I used to feel free to call
To ask you how you were
Now I get this impression
That you would rather I not

I keep trying but I see
That each attempt makes you
Like me less
Melancholy regret

I miss being your friend
We still are I guess
But I don't quite feel it anymore
I'm not sure how this happened

Someday I hope
Things go back to
How they used to be
Until then, I will wait

I miss being young and stupid

Rembember when you were young and stupid
and made some mistakes that you thought would change your life
and panicked that it would never turn out right
and you felt nauseus with worry - it was like lead in your belly
and you looked at other people and couldn't even imagine
how they were making it work?

You took for granted what you had
and you didn't know you were happy.
You had no idea life was just going to be like that.

People say it's better to be old and wise.

I'm not so sure.

Plum

I strip your peel
With my teeth
Red veins spidering across
Amber flesh

Humming

I'm singing more
Humming to myself
In the shower
While washing dishes
As I get dressed in the morning
While I chop vegetables
and pulse my blender

A stranger listening with
An ear to the wall
Might think I was just cheerful
But, that's not it

It's more or less
But most likely
The best thing that has happened to me

You

So I keep humming

I feel...

Just those words
I've waited so long
for just something
even less than this.

And now my self
Is so content I could go on
forever.

It is not a small thing
To give someone hope
like you gave to me.

My cheeks ache.
I'm smiling.

A Trite Love Poem

You sang a song
And touched my heart
And though it might seem trite

A simple gesture
A thin gold chain
Made my life feel right

I am just me
When I'm with you
And I think I might

Finally find
What I've sought
The days ahead are bright

The Potential of My Own Self

I look at you
And see the potential

Of us
Of life
Of my own self

And I'm wondering
Why it took the reflection
in your eyes
For me to realize

All I was capable of
All I wanted
All I could give

I am thankful and hope you know

Shiver

Talking to you
And looking straight into your eyes
Is so much like
Stripping off my clothes

That I am left feeling cold
And exposed

I welcome the shivers

Mom

You are strong, an adult.
You pay your bills and buy a car.
You travel. You work.

Still, in the midst of tragedy, your heart says one thing:
"Mom."

Trust My Judgement

If I could suffer enough
Have too little
Smile until my gums bled

Would you respect me?

If I saved all my money
Lived a boring life
Donated all of my possessions

Would you admire me?

If I avoided heartbreak
For my entire life
And remained emotionally distant

Would you finally trust my judgement?

I doubt it. But, I'll give it a try anyway.

Stuff Your Pity

Just the mention of your name
And those looks of pity
I want to tell them all
"You have no idea. Leave me alone!"
How can they expect that their own experience is so similar to mine?
The heart can break in approximately 1,375,320 ways.
Mine is not the same as yours and never will be.

My Heart

To rebuild
To carefully craft
To piece together
The leftover bits
Some of them are lost forever
Under a couch?
Vacuumed up?
Eaten by the dog?

Nearly 26

To realize at this age,
when I have all the necessary documents proving I'm an adult,
that I don't have a solid idea about, well, anything,
leaves me in a perpetual state of doubt.

What I miss most

Months
And so many real days later
It went by so quickly

A tender kiss
That is what I miss most

Fingers gently gripping mine
That is what I miss most

Looking into your eyes
That is what I miss most

The future
That is what I miss most!

Oh, it all.
Redirecting my thoughts at such inopportune times 

To be married

A bed warmed by a lover's resting body
Arms reaching, complete acceptance
Two hearts trying, at best, to keep a fire burning despite the winds of monotony
Commiserating over loss of mutual independence 
To continue on in the daily trudge, no longer braving it alone
Consolation when the past pulls your heart into those same old depths

Still facing the blackness, but with a hand at the small of your back

A contented sigh, if all goes as hoped

I want to stand naked in the snow

I want to stand naked in the snow
Until my skin stops hurting
And my lips are numb
And I feel something

I want to stand naked in the snow
Until I forget why I'm doing it
And I start to cry
And my tears freeze

I want to stand naked in the snow
Until my body gives up
And I sink into the softness
And I die

I want to stand naked in the snow.
Here. Hold my clothes.

Caught Off Guard

I never thought
I would feel this way.
Things were so certain.

But I trusted
A treacherous heart.
My own.

And now I can clearly see
Where I went wrong.
And still...

I am sometimes caught
Completely off guard.
How did this happen?

If there is one thing I've learned.

Being an adult is not all it's cracked up to be.
Love isn't like a movie. 
You can't convince your heart.
Comparing yourself to someone else is ridiculous.
Waiting for other people is useless.
Disappointments abound.
You can't always just pick yourself up.

Thank goodness it's not just one thing.